The Birthday Skunk

If I were to have a skunk for a pet
I'd buy so much air-freshener I'd go into debt
I'd be friends with Febreeze, but not with the vet
If I were only to have a skunk for a pet

Just to look at his fur would remind me of Oreos
I'd take him on walks and I'd feed him Doritos
And whenever he'd get a craving for Cheerios
I'd take him to Taco Bell and buy him burritos

But all of those beans would I think be bad news
Still I'd let him have at them if that's what he'd choose
With his cute little eyes I could hardly refuse
Oh, and before I forget...happy birthday to you's.

A Hobbit’s Tale…

This is a story about a hobbit named Danik

And the girl hobbit he had for his love

So buckle your seatbelts, there’s no need to panic

For this is a tale from above.



Wee little Danik sat in the pub

Eating his curds and weigh

Along came another

Who would become his significant other

But all Danik did was neigh.



Neigh he did, for he thought he was a horse

See, he was not endowed with wisdom

Because I’m sure you’re aware of course

These things come by divine revelation.



As soon as he neighed there shone a great light

Overflowing from the bounds of the East

But as I’ve said before Danik was not so bright

And assumed he'd had too much to eat at the feast.



The light then descended upon the face of the other

Revealing this angelic being

Upon hearing the neighs, she thought, “Oh, brother…”

Scales kept his eyes from seeing.



“She’s not a horse,” thought the male of the pair

“He’s kind of weird,” thought the one who wasn’t a mare.



Then the Queen Mother arrived in all of her splendor

And relayed to them the mysteries of the Daffodil

She caused not much damage through all of her grandeur

And left quickly for her tea-date on the hill.



A couple of fortnights later or so

Danik was trotting through the forest

He was looking for gold at the end of the rainbow

His faculties were indeed at their poorest.



When all of a sudden he happened along

The girl hobbit he’d met before

They sat there together and sang a long song

Lasting clear through the end of chapter four.



Again this light from heaven appeared

Shining bright through the leaves of the trees

Danik was stroking his goat-like beard

His mind far from birds and bees.



The light shone so brightly that some of the scales

That were stuck in his eyes, oh, so painfully!

Fell by his bare feet upon the dirt trails

Which received them somewhat disdainfully.



A snake came along and said, “I’ve been looking for these.”

And picked them up with his lack of hands

Then he left, not appreciating heavenly lights shining through trees

Back to the Tree of Knowledge surrounded by hippie bands.



The light was dawning upon our dear friend so small

His eyes were opened and he saw he’d been wrong

This girl he’d met was no hobbit at all

She was really a leprechaun.



This made so much since after all

Since the rainbow he’d followed in the skies

Led him past the tree of the fall

To this leprechaun with beautiful eyes.



But unfortunately he still thought he was a horse

Because he was dumb

But he’d made a new friend, and that not by force

So cheers, let’s bring out the rum.



Much time passed before the Wizard appeared

Arriving precisely when he intended to

Actually…he was late because he’d lost his beard

As to where it was, he hadn’t a clue.



The Wizard was familiar with the Evan tongue

He knew many Evans who spoke it

He fueled his pot-belly stove with elephant dung

And he put it in his pipe to smoke it.



Which eventually led to his untimely death

In the year eleventy-six

Passing to the next world after his final gagging breath

Where he lived a jaded life studying English.



The day the Wizard appeared though I tell you

Our little hobbit friend crossed his path

The Wizard’s breath smelled of elephant poo

But I’ve already related to you the aftermath.



The grey unbearded man gave Danik a message

One he’d received from above

It was a little bit late because it’d gotten lost in the Ice Age

But it was still a message of love.



The hobbit listened to the words of the Wizard

Who revealed to him the way of wisdom

The truth that had almost been lost in a blizzard

But would spread from the Shire through the kingdom.



“The angelic leprechaun that you met at the pub,”

Said the Wizard to the hobbit. “She ain’t no phony.

If you were smart you would go have tea with her, bub.

But if you were smart…you wouldn’t think you’re a pony.”



“And if you were smart,” He continued, smugly.

“You’d know that wizardry would disqualify me from Spiritual Life.

See, this grey cloak I wear is really a snuggie.

…which I thought would get me a wife.”



“Best of luck to you, my dear little lad.

More luck than I’ve had I hope.”

“Maybe you should run for president,” Danik said.

“Nah,” said the non-wizard. “I’m no dope.”



Before long, the time of Passover came

And Danik, being a good Jewish hobbit

(A Russian Jew, actually, which explains his name)

When the sun went down, he said, “Stop it!”



“We must not work on this Sabbath,” he spoke.

“We must pray, and eat horseradish and honey.

And enjoy the roast lamb with all our kin-folk

Which I would have bought if I’d had any money.”



The angelic Leprechaun who was now Danik’s friend

Sat next to him that day at the synagogue

The sexes weren’t divided see, they allowed a blend

Because this was a messianic synod.



The heavenly light shone again

This time through the stained glass frame

Upon this beautiful leprechaun

But from now on things would not be the same.



The foundations of the buildings shook as the choir sang loud

The French horns blared out in defiance

The incense burned filling the room with a cloud

And then…there was utter silence.



And in this silence Danik heard the words

The sound of the still small voice

A voice quieter still than the bees and the birds

And it said, “Danik, I’m giving you a choice.”



“You can go back to the land of the shire

Where things are simpler and smaller, too

Or you can emerge from out of this mire

And marry the girl sitting next to you.”



“Oy vei,” thought Danik. “That was almost too clear.”

“Perhaps though I didn’t hear right.”

I must find out if my ears really can hear

And if my eyes really did see this light.



Later that evening in the misty moonlight

The hobbit and the leprechaun stood

The hobbit was thinking this was really quite right

Especially since this girl could make food.



Later that week Danik was studying his tenses

Trying to learn the sweet language of Evan

When suddenly there hopped over the fences

The leprechaun who was probably from heaven.



She was hopping with her friend to a place in the distance

A place where the children of men dwell

Danik thought to himself that he’d use this here instance

To see if she handled kids well.



Danik followed the angel through the woods and a field

‘till they arrived at a place called Elms Deep

Where the trees spoke so slowly and their branches did wield

‘till you were bored to tears and to sleep.



But the children of man did indeed there dwell

As Danik quickly discovered

And as he watched this sweet angel he surely could tell

She was quite good with kids, he uncovered.



And as the sun set, she and her friend

Sang a song that lasted till chapter nine

She looked up at Danik, and saw he was happy to spend

His time in this way. Oh! Did her eyes shine!



After travelling there and back again

Danik stopped in for a talk

With a friend that he had among men

But who was also of rather short stock.



“I think that I might like this girl,” said Danik

“Cool beans,” said his manly ranger chum.

“Don’t worry, buddy, there’s no need to panic.

Just keep in mind my advice tends to be dumb.



Like that time I told you to eat oats for your main course

‘cause I thought that’d be good for your equestrian genetics

Only to learn you weren’t really a horse

After you started trotting around with a case of the pathetics.”



“You mean,” Danik replied. “You don’t think I’m a horse?”

“No,” the man ranger said. “Only in your appetite.”

“Well, then, maybe I’m a hobbit…or a man! Of course!”

“No, dude. You’re a leprechaun…Yeah, that’s right.



You chase after rainbows looking for gold

You eat Lucky Charms by the vat

You kiss the blarney stone ‘till the day gets old.”

“Oh,” Danik said. “…I think I’m cool with that.”



So Danik with this new wisdom of his

Went back to learning the Evan tongue

And thought happy thoughts of joy and bliss

Until this day was over and done.



After continuing to think on the light from above

For a couple of fortnights or so

He began to believe that this girl he could love

This girl at the end of the rainbow.



He knew he must act if this dream would come true

He knew that he ought to do something

But he just wasn’t sure what exactly to do

So he wrote an anonymous sweet nothing.



And nothing it was, but indeed it was sweet

It was the first step towards the truth

It would be quite awhile before again they would meet

Yet still in the days of their youth.



What lay ahead for these two leprechauns?

What story lay hidden beyond the horizon?

A tale perhaps full of leisure and bonbons,

In a beautiful world with no dead spots on Verizon?



No, I’m afraid, this tale is not quaint

It involves far much more than pleasure

For in it we’ll discover how to become a saint

And to search for lasting treasure.



And we’ll learn the difference between Vulcans and Elves

And we’ll discover the true power of the ring

And we’ll find out a whole bunch about ourselves

And for several more chapters we’ll sing.

On the Occasion of the Birthday of my Father and Brother as Recounted by the Creed-Writers of the Early Church

Today are your birthdays
One day, yet two
The one has many days
The other has but few.

Two birthdays do we celebrate
But we celebrate one day
Two days do we recall of late
Yet celebrate once we may.

We celebrate one birthday in two
In unity two in one
One person is my father
The other is his son.

The persons we do not confound
Neither do we divide the essence
When we gather all around
As they eat cake and open presents.

Fried Chicken

Oh, fried chicken, when I first saw you I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.

Oh, fried chicken, when we first met I couldn't help but falling for you.

Oh, fried chicken, if you were to leave my heart would break like a piece of pottery.

Oh, fried chicken, you came into my heart – you came in and clogged every last artery.

Oliver

Oliver looked out over the crowd. The people looked up at him in anticipation. It had taken a long time for him to get to this point. One does not become chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police overnight. Oliver had worked hard for years to be able to rise to this position of honor, and now his work was finally paying off. He looked down at the reporters below him - all of them with their cameras and tape recorders. They held their oversized microphones up as high as they could reach towards his face – each one prominently displaying the name of their network.

Oliver’s wife stood next to him up there on the podium. She squeezed his hand tight as he looked away from the reporters and out towards the crowd again. As he gazed upon their many faces, and they gazed upon his, his mind wandered back to his childhood. He stood there with his wife and remembered the years that had passed.

He had been born on a wheat farm in Saskatchewan into a somewhat large family. He was second to the youngest of six children, and he had loved to help his dad work the land. His younger brother, Woody, was the sibling he was the closest to growing up. They had done all their chores together for about as long as they could remember. When their parents were busy, they would sometimes sneak out of the house and go take a ride on their bikes. They liked to go to the top of the hill and then race each other back down the other side. They would show off to each other as well. One boy doing a trick, and the other boy trying to outdo his brother by doing something even more crazy and dangerous.

When Oliver was thirteen, his family had moved to Vancouver. His father had grown tired of being a farmer and decided the he wanted to be a fisherman instead. His mother also went from being a homemaker to opening up a business in their home. She would repair people’s computers, and would bring in quite a bit of money for doing so. She had always been interested in technical sorts of things – even back when they were still on the farm.

During his teenage years, Oliver joined a garage band, grew long hair, and went around town on his skateboard. Despite his appearance, he kept his grades up and managed to graduate with honors.

When he was fourteen, he was watching TV one day when he saw on the news that mountain lions had been prowling around the Premier’s house. He watched with amazement as he saw the mounties come in and take control of the situation. Since that day, Oliver had always wanted to be a mountie. He could never get over the way those men had stepped in that day and had come to the aid of the Premier of the beautiful province of British Columbia. So, he decided that he would become a mountie too.

Now, there he stood before that great crowd of people with his wife by his side. He remembered when he took his wife out on their first date. They had gone to A&W. They ordered chicken and it was the best chicken that he ever remembered eating. He would have ordered a burger, but she had insisted that he get chicken because of the Mad Cow scare that was going on at the time. He was happy to have gotten the chicken though. The gravy was amazing, the root beer was wonderful, and they even served his favorite kind of vinegar to dip his fries in.

But now, he stood before that crowd of spectators as they awaited his speech. The chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police had stepped down, and Oliver had been chosen to take his place. With pride in his new position, Oliver stepped forward to address the crowd. He was shocked, however, to see that those he was addressing appeared to be no longer interested in his speech. They all had turned around and faced the other direction. Oliver was dumbfounded and did not know what to say. It was then that he heard the familiar sound of a jingle. It was the ice cream man! Everyone had turned away from him, so that they could fight to be first in line to get ice cream. The crowd dispersed in the direction of the ice cream man, and even the reporters left their posts to go follow the crowd.

“I can’t believe this!” Oliver exclaimed as the ice cream truck came into view.

His wife walked up to him. “Not exactly what you had in mind, eh?” she asked. “Hold my purse for me, will you? I need to run to the ladies room.”

She ran off, and left Oliver standing there alone on the stage…with her purse. He looked out at the ice cream truck, which was still passing by. As it turned, he noticed the license plate. Being a mountie, he was used checking out people’s plates. Washington! The plates said Washington!

Crazy Americans, he thought. They always spoil everything.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Once upon a time, there was a hallucination named "Wolf." This hallucination lived in the southern part of Germany, but this was not where he had originally wanted to live. He had originally wanted to live in the Bahamas, but they hadn't been discovered yet, so he remained in Germany - the home of his master. His master, also known as "The Boy," lived in the southern part of Germany, and "Wolf" lived in the boy's mind. Thus, "Wolf" also lived in the southern part of Germany. It can be explained mathematically if you wish. And since we're discussing German minds, I might as well explain it mathematically. A = B, B = C, A = C. A = hallucination, B = mind of boy, C = inhabitant of southern Germany. In other words, hallucination = mind of boy, mind of boy = inhabitant of southern Germany, hallucination = inhabitant of southern Germany. But since I'm an American who is allergic to math, I'll stop explaining the story in mathematical ways.

Once upon a time, there was a hallucination named "Wolf." He frequently made appearances to "The Boy," and was often getting him into trouble. One day, "The Boy" was taking care of the sheep, not far from the village, when "Wolf" decided to pay him a visit. The Boy hadn't listened to what his psychologist had told him about taking his medication, and was in no mood for a visit from his friend "Wolf." Upon Wolf's appearance, The Boy began to hoot and holler and cry "wolf!"

When the villagers heard the noise, they all ran to see what was going on. They had heard the name "wolf" being shouted and they assumed that The Boy needed help fighting off a ferocious beast which had emerged from the woods to dine upon the sheep. When they arrived at the scene, however, there was no visible wolf. There was only The Boy standing around making noise.

"Shut up, boy," they said. "You shouldn't be crying wolf when there isn't any wolf."

Irritated, the villagers left and went back to their work.

"Some friend you are," said The Boy to the Wolf. "Running off like that when all the villagers show up. Making me look like a liar."

"Sorry," said the hallucination. "I have a fear of people."

The Wolf then walked off to go do imaginary wolf things. A little while later, The Boy was still watching the sheep when The Wolf decided to pay him another visit. This time, the boy was more open to having company. He was so excited to see his friend that he began to hoot and holler and cry out to his friend, "Wolf!"

The villagers heard the ruckus, and ran to investigate. Upon arriving at the scene, they once again saw no visible wolf. The only person they saw was the boy, and he was making noise just like before.

"Shut up, boy," they said. "You're making us exercise when we don't want to."

With various other rude comments, the villagers walked back to the village to resume whatever it is villagers do.

"Some friend you are," The Boy said to the Wolf. "Running away like that when the villagers show up. Making me look like an idiot."

"Sorry," said the hallucination, "It's that fear of people thing again. I can't help myself. Agoraphobia - I think is what it's called. If I remember what my psychologist said.”

"Who's your psychologist?" asked the Boy.

"Dr. Velarde."

"Hey cool, I have the same psychologist that you have."

Just then, a real wolf emerged from the woods and began to dine upon the sheep. The Boy was terrified and began to cry out, "Wolf! Wolf!"

The villagers heard the shouts, but were done exercising for the day, so they ignored them. The real wolf came over to The Boy and ate him up. The fake wolf was also eaten up. Funny how that works. Allow me to explain this mathematically. A = B, B =C, A = C. A = hallucination of boy, B = boy, C = dinner of real wolf. In other words, hallucination of boy = boy, boy = dinner of real wolf, hallucination of boy = dinner of real wolf. Hopefully I have cleared up any confusion.

The end.