A Hobbit’s Tale…

This is a story about a hobbit named Danik

And the girl hobbit he had for his love

So buckle your seatbelts, there’s no need to panic

For this is a tale from above.



Wee little Danik sat in the pub

Eating his curds and weigh

Along came another

Who would become his significant other

But all Danik did was neigh.



Neigh he did, for he thought he was a horse

See, he was not endowed with wisdom

Because I’m sure you’re aware of course

These things come by divine revelation.



As soon as he neighed there shone a great light

Overflowing from the bounds of the East

But as I’ve said before Danik was not so bright

And assumed he'd had too much to eat at the feast.



The light then descended upon the face of the other

Revealing this angelic being

Upon hearing the neighs, she thought, “Oh, brother…”

Scales kept his eyes from seeing.



“She’s not a horse,” thought the male of the pair

“He’s kind of weird,” thought the one who wasn’t a mare.



Then the Queen Mother arrived in all of her splendor

And relayed to them the mysteries of the Daffodil

She caused not much damage through all of her grandeur

And left quickly for her tea-date on the hill.



A couple of fortnights later or so

Danik was trotting through the forest

He was looking for gold at the end of the rainbow

His faculties were indeed at their poorest.



When all of a sudden he happened along

The girl hobbit he’d met before

They sat there together and sang a long song

Lasting clear through the end of chapter four.



Again this light from heaven appeared

Shining bright through the leaves of the trees

Danik was stroking his goat-like beard

His mind far from birds and bees.



The light shone so brightly that some of the scales

That were stuck in his eyes, oh, so painfully!

Fell by his bare feet upon the dirt trails

Which received them somewhat disdainfully.



A snake came along and said, “I’ve been looking for these.”

And picked them up with his lack of hands

Then he left, not appreciating heavenly lights shining through trees

Back to the Tree of Knowledge surrounded by hippie bands.



The light was dawning upon our dear friend so small

His eyes were opened and he saw he’d been wrong

This girl he’d met was no hobbit at all

She was really a leprechaun.



This made so much since after all

Since the rainbow he’d followed in the skies

Led him past the tree of the fall

To this leprechaun with beautiful eyes.



But unfortunately he still thought he was a horse

Because he was dumb

But he’d made a new friend, and that not by force

So cheers, let’s bring out the rum.



Much time passed before the Wizard appeared

Arriving precisely when he intended to

Actually…he was late because he’d lost his beard

As to where it was, he hadn’t a clue.



The Wizard was familiar with the Evan tongue

He knew many Evans who spoke it

He fueled his pot-belly stove with elephant dung

And he put it in his pipe to smoke it.



Which eventually led to his untimely death

In the year eleventy-six

Passing to the next world after his final gagging breath

Where he lived a jaded life studying English.



The day the Wizard appeared though I tell you

Our little hobbit friend crossed his path

The Wizard’s breath smelled of elephant poo

But I’ve already related to you the aftermath.



The grey unbearded man gave Danik a message

One he’d received from above

It was a little bit late because it’d gotten lost in the Ice Age

But it was still a message of love.



The hobbit listened to the words of the Wizard

Who revealed to him the way of wisdom

The truth that had almost been lost in a blizzard

But would spread from the Shire through the kingdom.



“The angelic leprechaun that you met at the pub,”

Said the Wizard to the hobbit. “She ain’t no phony.

If you were smart you would go have tea with her, bub.

But if you were smart…you wouldn’t think you’re a pony.”



“And if you were smart,” He continued, smugly.

“You’d know that wizardry would disqualify me from Spiritual Life.

See, this grey cloak I wear is really a snuggie.

…which I thought would get me a wife.”



“Best of luck to you, my dear little lad.

More luck than I’ve had I hope.”

“Maybe you should run for president,” Danik said.

“Nah,” said the non-wizard. “I’m no dope.”



Before long, the time of Passover came

And Danik, being a good Jewish hobbit

(A Russian Jew, actually, which explains his name)

When the sun went down, he said, “Stop it!”



“We must not work on this Sabbath,” he spoke.

“We must pray, and eat horseradish and honey.

And enjoy the roast lamb with all our kin-folk

Which I would have bought if I’d had any money.”



The angelic Leprechaun who was now Danik’s friend

Sat next to him that day at the synagogue

The sexes weren’t divided see, they allowed a blend

Because this was a messianic synod.



The heavenly light shone again

This time through the stained glass frame

Upon this beautiful leprechaun

But from now on things would not be the same.



The foundations of the buildings shook as the choir sang loud

The French horns blared out in defiance

The incense burned filling the room with a cloud

And then…there was utter silence.



And in this silence Danik heard the words

The sound of the still small voice

A voice quieter still than the bees and the birds

And it said, “Danik, I’m giving you a choice.”



“You can go back to the land of the shire

Where things are simpler and smaller, too

Or you can emerge from out of this mire

And marry the girl sitting next to you.”



“Oy vei,” thought Danik. “That was almost too clear.”

“Perhaps though I didn’t hear right.”

I must find out if my ears really can hear

And if my eyes really did see this light.



Later that evening in the misty moonlight

The hobbit and the leprechaun stood

The hobbit was thinking this was really quite right

Especially since this girl could make food.



Later that week Danik was studying his tenses

Trying to learn the sweet language of Evan

When suddenly there hopped over the fences

The leprechaun who was probably from heaven.



She was hopping with her friend to a place in the distance

A place where the children of men dwell

Danik thought to himself that he’d use this here instance

To see if she handled kids well.



Danik followed the angel through the woods and a field

‘till they arrived at a place called Elms Deep

Where the trees spoke so slowly and their branches did wield

‘till you were bored to tears and to sleep.



But the children of man did indeed there dwell

As Danik quickly discovered

And as he watched this sweet angel he surely could tell

She was quite good with kids, he uncovered.



And as the sun set, she and her friend

Sang a song that lasted till chapter nine

She looked up at Danik, and saw he was happy to spend

His time in this way. Oh! Did her eyes shine!



After travelling there and back again

Danik stopped in for a talk

With a friend that he had among men

But who was also of rather short stock.



“I think that I might like this girl,” said Danik

“Cool beans,” said his manly ranger chum.

“Don’t worry, buddy, there’s no need to panic.

Just keep in mind my advice tends to be dumb.



Like that time I told you to eat oats for your main course

‘cause I thought that’d be good for your equestrian genetics

Only to learn you weren’t really a horse

After you started trotting around with a case of the pathetics.”



“You mean,” Danik replied. “You don’t think I’m a horse?”

“No,” the man ranger said. “Only in your appetite.”

“Well, then, maybe I’m a hobbit…or a man! Of course!”

“No, dude. You’re a leprechaun…Yeah, that’s right.



You chase after rainbows looking for gold

You eat Lucky Charms by the vat

You kiss the blarney stone ‘till the day gets old.”

“Oh,” Danik said. “…I think I’m cool with that.”



So Danik with this new wisdom of his

Went back to learning the Evan tongue

And thought happy thoughts of joy and bliss

Until this day was over and done.



After continuing to think on the light from above

For a couple of fortnights or so

He began to believe that this girl he could love

This girl at the end of the rainbow.



He knew he must act if this dream would come true

He knew that he ought to do something

But he just wasn’t sure what exactly to do

So he wrote an anonymous sweet nothing.



And nothing it was, but indeed it was sweet

It was the first step towards the truth

It would be quite awhile before again they would meet

Yet still in the days of their youth.



What lay ahead for these two leprechauns?

What story lay hidden beyond the horizon?

A tale perhaps full of leisure and bonbons,

In a beautiful world with no dead spots on Verizon?



No, I’m afraid, this tale is not quaint

It involves far much more than pleasure

For in it we’ll discover how to become a saint

And to search for lasting treasure.



And we’ll learn the difference between Vulcans and Elves

And we’ll discover the true power of the ring

And we’ll find out a whole bunch about ourselves

And for several more chapters we’ll sing.