Oliver

Oliver looked out over the crowd. The people looked up at him in anticipation. It had taken a long time for him to get to this point. One does not become chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police overnight. Oliver had worked hard for years to be able to rise to this position of honor, and now his work was finally paying off. He looked down at the reporters below him - all of them with their cameras and tape recorders. They held their oversized microphones up as high as they could reach towards his face – each one prominently displaying the name of their network.

Oliver’s wife stood next to him up there on the podium. She squeezed his hand tight as he looked away from the reporters and out towards the crowd again. As he gazed upon their many faces, and they gazed upon his, his mind wandered back to his childhood. He stood there with his wife and remembered the years that had passed.

He had been born on a wheat farm in Saskatchewan into a somewhat large family. He was second to the youngest of six children, and he had loved to help his dad work the land. His younger brother, Woody, was the sibling he was the closest to growing up. They had done all their chores together for about as long as they could remember. When their parents were busy, they would sometimes sneak out of the house and go take a ride on their bikes. They liked to go to the top of the hill and then race each other back down the other side. They would show off to each other as well. One boy doing a trick, and the other boy trying to outdo his brother by doing something even more crazy and dangerous.

When Oliver was thirteen, his family had moved to Vancouver. His father had grown tired of being a farmer and decided the he wanted to be a fisherman instead. His mother also went from being a homemaker to opening up a business in their home. She would repair people’s computers, and would bring in quite a bit of money for doing so. She had always been interested in technical sorts of things – even back when they were still on the farm.

During his teenage years, Oliver joined a garage band, grew long hair, and went around town on his skateboard. Despite his appearance, he kept his grades up and managed to graduate with honors.

When he was fourteen, he was watching TV one day when he saw on the news that mountain lions had been prowling around the Premier’s house. He watched with amazement as he saw the mounties come in and take control of the situation. Since that day, Oliver had always wanted to be a mountie. He could never get over the way those men had stepped in that day and had come to the aid of the Premier of the beautiful province of British Columbia. So, he decided that he would become a mountie too.

Now, there he stood before that great crowd of people with his wife by his side. He remembered when he took his wife out on their first date. They had gone to A&W. They ordered chicken and it was the best chicken that he ever remembered eating. He would have ordered a burger, but she had insisted that he get chicken because of the Mad Cow scare that was going on at the time. He was happy to have gotten the chicken though. The gravy was amazing, the root beer was wonderful, and they even served his favorite kind of vinegar to dip his fries in.

But now, he stood before that crowd of spectators as they awaited his speech. The chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police had stepped down, and Oliver had been chosen to take his place. With pride in his new position, Oliver stepped forward to address the crowd. He was shocked, however, to see that those he was addressing appeared to be no longer interested in his speech. They all had turned around and faced the other direction. Oliver was dumbfounded and did not know what to say. It was then that he heard the familiar sound of a jingle. It was the ice cream man! Everyone had turned away from him, so that they could fight to be first in line to get ice cream. The crowd dispersed in the direction of the ice cream man, and even the reporters left their posts to go follow the crowd.

“I can’t believe this!” Oliver exclaimed as the ice cream truck came into view.

His wife walked up to him. “Not exactly what you had in mind, eh?” she asked. “Hold my purse for me, will you? I need to run to the ladies room.”

She ran off, and left Oliver standing there alone on the stage…with her purse. He looked out at the ice cream truck, which was still passing by. As it turned, he noticed the license plate. Being a mountie, he was used checking out people’s plates. Washington! The plates said Washington!

Crazy Americans, he thought. They always spoil everything.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Once upon a time, there was a hallucination named "Wolf." This hallucination lived in the southern part of Germany, but this was not where he had originally wanted to live. He had originally wanted to live in the Bahamas, but they hadn't been discovered yet, so he remained in Germany - the home of his master. His master, also known as "The Boy," lived in the southern part of Germany, and "Wolf" lived in the boy's mind. Thus, "Wolf" also lived in the southern part of Germany. It can be explained mathematically if you wish. And since we're discussing German minds, I might as well explain it mathematically. A = B, B = C, A = C. A = hallucination, B = mind of boy, C = inhabitant of southern Germany. In other words, hallucination = mind of boy, mind of boy = inhabitant of southern Germany, hallucination = inhabitant of southern Germany. But since I'm an American who is allergic to math, I'll stop explaining the story in mathematical ways.

Once upon a time, there was a hallucination named "Wolf." He frequently made appearances to "The Boy," and was often getting him into trouble. One day, "The Boy" was taking care of the sheep, not far from the village, when "Wolf" decided to pay him a visit. The Boy hadn't listened to what his psychologist had told him about taking his medication, and was in no mood for a visit from his friend "Wolf." Upon Wolf's appearance, The Boy began to hoot and holler and cry "wolf!"

When the villagers heard the noise, they all ran to see what was going on. They had heard the name "wolf" being shouted and they assumed that The Boy needed help fighting off a ferocious beast which had emerged from the woods to dine upon the sheep. When they arrived at the scene, however, there was no visible wolf. There was only The Boy standing around making noise.

"Shut up, boy," they said. "You shouldn't be crying wolf when there isn't any wolf."

Irritated, the villagers left and went back to their work.

"Some friend you are," said The Boy to the Wolf. "Running off like that when all the villagers show up. Making me look like a liar."

"Sorry," said the hallucination. "I have a fear of people."

The Wolf then walked off to go do imaginary wolf things. A little while later, The Boy was still watching the sheep when The Wolf decided to pay him another visit. This time, the boy was more open to having company. He was so excited to see his friend that he began to hoot and holler and cry out to his friend, "Wolf!"

The villagers heard the ruckus, and ran to investigate. Upon arriving at the scene, they once again saw no visible wolf. The only person they saw was the boy, and he was making noise just like before.

"Shut up, boy," they said. "You're making us exercise when we don't want to."

With various other rude comments, the villagers walked back to the village to resume whatever it is villagers do.

"Some friend you are," The Boy said to the Wolf. "Running away like that when the villagers show up. Making me look like an idiot."

"Sorry," said the hallucination, "It's that fear of people thing again. I can't help myself. Agoraphobia - I think is what it's called. If I remember what my psychologist said.”

"Who's your psychologist?" asked the Boy.

"Dr. Velarde."

"Hey cool, I have the same psychologist that you have."

Just then, a real wolf emerged from the woods and began to dine upon the sheep. The Boy was terrified and began to cry out, "Wolf! Wolf!"

The villagers heard the shouts, but were done exercising for the day, so they ignored them. The real wolf came over to The Boy and ate him up. The fake wolf was also eaten up. Funny how that works. Allow me to explain this mathematically. A = B, B =C, A = C. A = hallucination of boy, B = boy, C = dinner of real wolf. In other words, hallucination of boy = boy, boy = dinner of real wolf, hallucination of boy = dinner of real wolf. Hopefully I have cleared up any confusion.

The end.